It took me three years to forgive my former best friend. Three years of carrying poison in my heart, thinking I was punishing them while I was the one dying inside. If you're struggling to forgive someone who hurt you deeply, this is for you.
The Hurt That Wouldn't Heal
Without going into details, someone I trusted completely betrayed that trust. They took something precious from me – not a physical thing, but something that changed the trajectory of my life. The kind of betrayal that makes you question everything you thought you knew about people.
For months, I replayed the hurt daily. I had imaginary arguments in the shower. I crafted perfect comebacks. I fantasized about karma catching up with them. I told myself I was "processing," but really, I was marinating in bitterness.
What Didn't Work
- "Just forgive and forget" - As if I could flip a switch
- "Time heals all wounds" - Three years proved that wrong
- "They're not worth it" - But the hurt still was
- Pretending I was over it - The anger just went underground
- Waiting to feel forgiving - That feeling never came
The Turning Point
One Sunday, our pastor said something that made me angry: "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
I was angry because I knew it was true. They had moved on with their life. Meanwhile, I was still having imaginary arguments three years later. They had hurt me once, but I was hurting myself daily.
The Prayer I Didn't Want to Pray
That night, I finally got honest with God. Here's what I actually prayed:
But I'm so tired of carrying this. I'm tired of them living rent-free in my head. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being tired.
I can't forgive them on my own. I've tried. I've failed. I need You to do this through me because I don't have it in me.
Help me want to want to forgive. That's all I've got right now."
Notice I didn't pray for them. I didn't feel loving feelings. I just admitted my complete inability to do this on my own.
The Process (Not the Moment)
Forgiveness didn't happen that night. It happened in layers, over months. Here's what that looked like:
Month 1: The Decision
Every morning, I would pray: "God, I choose to forgive [name], even though I don't feel it. I release them from the debt they owe me."
Some days I meant it. Most days I was just going through the motions. But I kept choosing.
Month 2: The Resistance
The anger fought back. Hard. I'd have good days, then something would trigger the memory and I'd be right back in the hurt. On those days, my prayer changed:
Month 3: The Shift
Something started changing. The sharp edge of the hurt began to dull. I could think about them without my chest tightening. I even – and this shocked me – started praying FOR them:
I didn't feel warm fuzzies when I prayed this. But I meant it, in a distant, detached way.
Month 6: The Freedom
Six months after that first honest prayer, I realized I'd gone a whole week without thinking about the hurt. When I did remember, it was like looking at an old scar – I could see where the wound had been, but it no longer hurt.
What I Learned About Forgiveness
- Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling
- You might have to forgive the same hurt 70 times 7
- Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation
- You can forgive someone and still have boundaries
- Forgiveness is for you, not them
- God's strength is made perfect in our weakness – including our inability to forgive
The Practical Steps That Helped
1. Write a Letter You'll Never Send
I wrote them a letter saying everything I needed to say. Every hurt, every consequence, every bit of anger. Then I burned it. Literally. It was cathartic.
2. Pray for Them by Name
Not generic prayers. Specific ones. "God, bless [name]'s marriage. Help them with their job. Heal their relationship with their kids." It's hard to hold onto hate when you're praying for someone's good.
3. Find the Lesson
This isn't about excusing what they did. But I asked God: "What can I learn from this?" The answers helped me grow, even from the pain.
4. Remember Your Own Need for Forgiveness
I started praying: "God, forgive me as I forgive others." It reminded me that I'm not perfect either. I've hurt people too.
What Forgiveness Didn't Mean
- I didn't restore the friendship
- I didn't pretend it never happened
- I didn't give them access to hurt me again
- I didn't need to tell them I forgave them
- I didn't minimize the real damage done
Forgiveness meant releasing my right to revenge. It meant choosing peace over punishment. It meant getting my life back.
If You're Struggling to Forgive
Start where you are. If all you can pray is "God, help," that's enough. If you can only forgive 1% today, that's progress. If you have to choose forgiveness 100 times before it sticks, you're not failing – you're persevering.
The person who hurt you has already taken enough from you. Don't let them have your future too. Don't let them have your peace. Don't let them keep you prisoner to a past you can't change.
The Prayer for Today
If you're ready to start the journey, here's a prayer to begin:
I release them from the debt they owe me. I place them in Your hands. I trust You to deal with them justly and mercifully, as You deal with me.
Help me choose this forgiveness tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, until it becomes real in my heart. Free me from this prison of unforgiveness.
In Jesus' name, who forgave from the cross, Amen."
The Other Side
It's been two years since I fully forgave. I can now remember the good times we had without bitterness. I can hear their name without my stomach dropping. I can even pray for their happiness and mean it.
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's quick. I'm saying it's possible, and it's worth it. The freedom on the other side of forgiveness is worth every difficult prayer, every reluctant choice, every moment of surrender.
You don't have to carry this forever. You can be free. Start today, start messy, but start.
Need Scripture for Your Forgiveness Journey?
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Get SupportFinal Note: If you're reading this and you're the one who needs forgiveness – from others or yourself – there's grace for you too. Start with forgiving yourself. God already has.